Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
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I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
You sure about that?
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I need this for my side hustle.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.