Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
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me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout