I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
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ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Two types of dogs.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.