Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
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I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Am I having a stroke?
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
With this onion ring, I thee fed
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?