[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
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Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
me logging onto twitter
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*