Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
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me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
This is my emotional support knife.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Love it! 👍😂
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will