Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
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Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Flock of bats
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂