@donni: Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
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@JasonBanksComic: One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I'll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this... Lucky guess.
@TheTweetOfGod: Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you've already screwed it up.
@djdarrellripley: I should have seen this breakup coming.... The nicest thing she ever said to me was, "Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
@TedBundybitch: Don't mean to brag but I can turn a pair of fat pants into skinny jeans in like 3.5 months