Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
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Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
This sounds bad:
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”