The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
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Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Phonetics
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.