Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
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*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
The sacred texts.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys