*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
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Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??