*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
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ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Me driving through Toronto
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer