guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
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friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?