@FatherofTweet: Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike.
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@jwoodham: Every time I go for a run I think "why am I even doing this?" Then I look back and see all the cops chasing me and it's like "oh yeah, duh."
@JohnLyonTweets: Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
@TheToddWilliams: Daddy, where do oranges come from? Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other...
@slooberbie: "Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe." -me in every social situation