A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
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“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
😲 WTF? 😆
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?