@FatherofTweet: Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike.
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@squirrel74wkgn: [helping son with math] Me: Problem one...(reading)...ok...(reads #2)...(reads #3)...(keeps reading)...ask your teacher for help tomorrow
@murrman5: [to son before going in house] remember its opposite day wife: how was go karting? son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
@LeBearGirdle: *Heaven* God: you may ask me 1 question Me: Why aren't there lowercase and uppercase numbers? God: what? Me: I wanna write loud numbers