Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
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I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Moms. The original autocorrect.