My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
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The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus