@amishschool: Guy stole my identity this week and I'm like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
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@Home_Halfway: [Park] PARENT: They grow up so fast. Which one is yours? ME: *smiling proudly* The cat over there biting that blonde kid
@okay_andi: Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
@IanKarmel: 22 year old me after a night of drinking: "I hope I didn't do anything stupid." 29 year old me: "I hope I didn't agree to go on a hike."
@eliyudin: "As a side dish to your burrito would you like all the things that are inside the burrito, again?" - Mexican restaurants