@amishschool: Guy stole my identity this week and I'm like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
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@junejuly12: Me: Maybe shouting "harder baby" during CPR training was not a great idea. Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
@Storminika: Cops are kinda weird, asking stupid questions. 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' Cause I have weed in the glove compartment?
@DiamondLou69: Hot chick at the bar just said that she's gonna do something stupid tonight... ...I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.