Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
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Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
I’m crying im so happy for them
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.