@215potter: Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
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@nbadag: [runs up to a group of people] ME: ZACK ATTACK GUY: lol is your name zack or— [thousands of bros crest a nearby hill] ME: [whispering] RUN
@miilkkk: If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I'm having sex. Probably with the other sock.
@emmatheist: Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
@batkaren: ROBOT: You cannot defeat us ENGLISH TEACHER: Why's the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard? ROBOT: [twitch, spark]