@HotSnuff: Guy told me I have "Bambi eyes"...is that even a compliment? Oh god, please don't shoot my mother.
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@Brianhopecomedy: My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it's not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby's ankle.
@skullpuppy11: Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
@ericonederful: I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
@jwoodham: FACEBOOK: Hey, remember me? I'm a girl you met in college, in that one class. We never really talked. Anyway, here's 97 pictures of my baby.