*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
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side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.