*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
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flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Lol.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
The big book of baby names but for safe words
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Choose your fighter
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.