GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
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[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.