GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
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A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat