Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
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my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
My love language is deader than Latin
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.