Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
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. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
okay run it by me one more time
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Don’t tell me what to do
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.