GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
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Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
He took my last fry, your honor
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??