Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
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Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Hard not to take this personally
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no