Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
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if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”