@captainkalvis: me: i'd like to make a reservation for 2 at 6:00 pm employee: sir, this is a McDonald's me: oh my bad. i'd like a McReservation for 2 at 6:00 pm employee: perfect, see you then

@kerouac741: Twinkle, twinkle little star How I wonder where you are If you're not so very far After work, let's hit the bar

@truegritrumble: (Halloween Costume Shop) ME: *leaving after not finding anything* CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren't free, buddy.

@gobmentcheese: The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

@jokeymcjokeface: Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. "Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!"