@SouthernStylin1: Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird's tail for quitting time- Why my cw hates me

@Spaziotwat: [*Wakes up on sofa] "Did I...DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?" Wife [from bedroom]: "YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN."

@Jay1972Jay: Give a man a fish, he eats today. Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

@timdonakowski: I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!

@deelizabeth_: Biden: So I got a bunch of balloons and when he gets here-- Obama: Joe, please Biden: --we're gonna rub them on his hair & see what happens