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@BethyT44: Guy- What's your sign?
@SouthernStylin1: Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird's tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
@Spaziotwat: [*Wakes up on sofa] "Did I...DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?"
Wife [from bedroom]: "YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN."
@Jay1972Jay: Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
@timdonakowski: I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
@deelizabeth_: Biden: So I got a bunch of balloons and when he gets here--
Obama: Joe, please
Biden: --we're gonna rub them on his hair & see what happens