Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
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Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*