GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
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Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
I hate my earbuds.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine