Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
You Might Also Like
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Can. I. Help. You.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
ready to be harvested
*swipes right on my hand mirror
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
sigh
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
What about second breakfast?
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…