GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
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Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
asked my bf how work was today
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
According to math, I’m broke
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
idk what this dog had been going through but same
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now