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@msgwenl: GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
@HowToBeADad: Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
@Laser_Cat: [wife answering phone]
Gary, it's 3am! Where are you?
"I don't have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!"
@Jarhead44: I don't really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
@BourbonLuv: That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow...
@UnFitz: I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.