GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
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Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
groan^2
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Stop it! 😂
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this