Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
You Might Also Like
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.