Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
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My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
What number SPF blocks people?
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.