Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
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everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I have many caverns
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.