[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
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Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
my lower back watching me try to live my life
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*