“Ninja please” -Japanese people
You Might Also Like
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
#DesignFail
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.