4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
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It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)