GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I鈥檓 not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can鈥檛 see it being him)
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it鈥檚 missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn鈥檛 text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
If it wasn鈥檛 for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn鈥檛 be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don鈥檛 know how I鈥檓 supposed to feel about that.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 馃幍 I really can’t staaay … 馃幍
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 馃幍 I have to go a … 馃幍
me – ok, bye!
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I鈥檓 not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won鈥檛 need any of you anymore
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.