guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
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If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
When your man makes a valid point
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it