guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
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If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.