GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
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Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.