GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
You Might Also Like
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Cha-ching is my safe word
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
We need to put an American base on the sun