Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
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[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta