Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
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GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.