Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
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My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”