Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
You Might Also Like
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.