Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
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i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity